“Thank you, Snort.  I don’t know how I’ve gotten along all these years without your help.  Okay, you’re shopping for a cat, right?”

The brothers shook their heads in unison.  “Chopping for cat.”

“Sorry.  You’re chopping for a cat, and I can help.  He stays in the yard, right over there in the iris patch.  Be my guest.  Help yourselves.”  They stared at me with empty yellow eyes.  “Now what’s the problem?”

“Hunk fetch cat.”

“Hey, this is your deal.  I don’t want to fetch the cat.”

Snort’s hammer fist came down on top of my head. BAM!  “Hunk fetch cat pretty quick or get snot beat out of!”

I picked myself off the ground and gave them a ragged smile.  “Here’s an idea.  Why don’t I fetch the cat?”

They howled with laughter.  “Hunk fetch cat, and be quicker and quickest, oh boy!”

Well, this deal had gotten out of hand, but they’d left me with no choice.  I would have to serve as their delivery dog.  I hopped over the fence and started toward the iris patch.   With every step, I felt…

You know, it’s one thing to talk about bumping off the cat…wait, that sounds pretty bad.  Let’s try a different approach.  It’s one thing to talk about, uh, letting a couple of cannibals borrow your cat, and it’s another to actually be involved in it.  Pete had been a constant source of irritation to me for years, but…this?

By the time I reached the iris patch, I was not feeling good about it, but the brothers were watching my every move.  What else could I do?  I tried to remember every sneaky trick the cat had pulled on me, hoping it would help me through this time of trial.

I rumbled up to the iris patch, expecting the kitty to greet me with his usual insolent smirk and his annoying, “Well, well!  It’s Hankie the Wonderdog.”  That’s not what he said.  He said nothing, and it appeared that he was…

“What are you doing?”

He turned to me with a sad smile.  “Oh, I was just tidying up my little nest.  I…”  A quiver came into his voice.  “I guess I won’t be coming back.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I heard everything.  You have no choice.”  He glanced around and sighed.  “I’ll go without a struggle.” 

I was stunned.  “What!  That’s crazy.”

“I thought that’s the way you would want it.”

“You let me decide what I want, and stop butting into my…”  My mind was reeling.  I staggered a few steps away and gasped for air.  “Pete, you have no idea what you’re doing to me.”

“I thought I was making it easy.”

“Yeah?  Well, you thought wrong.  This ought to be the finest moment of my life, but somehow you’ve…”  I stormed back over to him.  “Listen, you little pestilence, I’m supposed to deliver you to the coyote brothers.  They want to eat you.  I want them to eat you.  You drive me insane.”

He shrugged.  “Well, let’s get on with it.”

“We will NOT get on with it!  I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it, but you are about to ruin my life!”

“Poor doggie.”

“Shut your trap.  Those coyotes are on the other side of the fence.  They’re watching us.  They’re licking their chops and tapping their toes.  They’re getting hungry and restless.  In ninety seconds, they will jump the fence and be on top of us.”

“Well, just turn me in and let’s get it over with.  I’ve had a good life.”

“Will you dry up?  It would have been SO EASY, SO SIMPLE, if you had just been your usual unbearable self, but now…look what you’ve done!  I can’t go through with this!”